Supporting Bereaved Parents

Ways to support parents whose baby has died

If you've never experienced the death of a child, it's extremely difficult to know what to say to someone facing this type of loss. The death of a child is unnatural, unfair and tragic. It's completely natural for friends and family of grieving parents to want to reach out and help, but still, struggle to find the right words to say because what you say, and what you don't, can deeply affect someone in need.

Supportive things you can you say:

Parents of a lost child want to feel supported in their grief with permission to grieve in their own way. They need to feel like their child's life was important no matter how short. You can keep the following in mind to support the grieving parents:

Offer sincere condolences: "I'm sorry", "I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you", or "I'm sad for you" are good examples
Offer open ended support: "I'm here and want to listen", "What can I do to support you?"
Offer silence or it's simply okay to say "I don't know what to say"
When the time is right you can express how much the child meant to you. This might not be appropriate to do right after the child's death. However, this can prove very meaningful to the parents in the future.

Try to prepare yourself prior to the conversation by knowing what to say, but don't go in with a game plan or any expectations. Be present and pay attention to your intuition on when it's time to speak.

Things you should avoid saying:

Equally important are things not to say including:

"You're young, you can have more kids" This minimizes the importance of the child the parent's lost who was deeply wanted and loved. While some parents choose to have more kids in the future no child will ever replace the child they have lost.
"You have an angel in heaven" While this might sound comforting to you if you believe in heaven, it might not provide comfort to a parent who is in the worst possible place on Earth.
"This happened for the best", "Everything happens for a reason", "It was meant to be", "It was part of God's plan". "God never gives you more than you can handle" Trying to make sense of a loss in these terms can make the parents feel as though you are minimizing the child's death. Hearing God had plans for your baby to die is incredibly hurtful.
"There must have been something wrong with the baby" It's never acceptable to make comments about the health of someone's else's child.
"At least you didn't get to know the baby" I can promise you that any bereaved parent would love nothing more than to have known their baby. For those who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth the "what ifs" will never leave their mind.
"At least you have children at home" While yes bereaved parents are forever grateful if they have living children at home nothing will replace the empty feeling of the child they have lost.
"I know how you feel" Never trivialize a bereaved parents journey by telling a story of your own. This is their time to grieve so listen and just focus on them.
Never mention a timeline for grief or the stages of grief. Everyone experiences grief in their own way at their own pace.
If the loss was the result of a stillbirth don't comment on the Mother's appearance, just don't. She may have lost the baby weight quickly but I assure you she wishes her baby was still in her tummy growing! She's also going through postpartum changes and more than likely her milk has still cruelly come in.
Don't ask the parents if they will "try again". Not only is the decision to have a child a private one between the parents and parents alone. But this can imply the baby was replaceable, instead of what they were a baby and individual whom the parents fiercely loved.
Don't ask if/when they will give their living child a sibling, no matter how long it's been. Their child has a sibling; they aren't alive.

Avoid philosophizing or trying to make things better as a general rule of thumb. In approaching the bereaved parents you may feel awkward and not know what to say. It is okay to simply say "I'm sorry or I don't know what to say". It's a difficult situation that we don't come across often and many of us do not know how to best handle it.

Things you can do to support grieving parents:

Listen more than you talk. Silence can be OK too. Sometimes there is just nothing to say.
Do the same things you would for any death. Send a card, call, bring dinner.
Attend the funeral or memorial service.
Ask about how all family members are doing.
Apologize for any hurtful comments you may have made.

Avoid giving advice. Everyone grieves differently. There are no rules defining how a bereaved parent should feel or how soon he or she should return to daily life. The loss of a child will forever change the bereaved parents. Support and love your friend or loved one for who they are and who they become as a they adjust to a difficult life without their child. Don't tell parents how to grieve; sentiments like "stay strong", "be brave", "move forward" though said with good intention aren't helpful. The only thing the parents need to do is survive from one day to the next.

Parents need time. The parents of a baby who has died need more time to grieve than society allows. Life will never get back to normal for them, instead, a new normal will surface. The sadness felt by grieving parents may be intensified on birthday's, mother's and father's days, the baby's due date or holidays. Show extra support at these times. A few weeks after the baby's death people may stop calling and visiting. Be the exception and continue to check in on the family, but respect their privacy if the need time alone. Let them know you care.

Meaningful Podcasts: